FEU plays TLP


My part will be delayed a day or two; college caught up to me at a bad time. Sorry!


Okay, here’s Chapter 7. I know I need to finish in 17 turns to get the sidequest, otherwise I’m going in blind.



wow, dick.

Nobody needs to be benched yet, we actually have a free spot- thanks zim

Here’s the boss. He can double a bunch of us.

This guy is promoted but not remotely threatening. Free Angelic Robe for us!

Oh well, let’s just start.


no arch


you can say that again

what is this writing


another safe unit joins us.

Off to a great start.




Effective weaponry my ass


you have exactly one important stat and you didn’t get it

This guy is very bear

Oops. Luckily he missed.

Kevin has 4 fucking speed. 4.

Get rekt fucker

Do thieves have +crit or something

keep doing that




useless nomads show up here every turn from now on

hmm do i want the horseslayer or the javelin

dunno if he moves, let’s find out


Javelin it is

she goes on like this for entirely too long.



It’s probably just a legend, I doubt we’ll meet anyone like that

no speed/10

Of course he fucking misses

Forgot he has a sword too oops. He doubles Shon, but three misses later nothing happened.

Arch is gonna kill nomads for a while

2 cavs spawn every turn but they go down easy

no speed/10

Dead people in the backyard does tend to drive down property value. War is hell amirite?

no speed/10

This was enemy phase, it’s fine

Steal Elixir, get SPEED

Boss strategy: bait him into using jav, then Lancereaver his ass

no speed/10

Thought you could run?

Good thing i got another one

Plenty of time

Killing more people sounds good. Let’s go do that.

Naming the mountains? how quaint

Until next time!


This is a god damn lie and blazer knows it


I love you guys.


[quote=“circleseverywhere, post:23, topic:1935”]
Effective weaponry my ass
[/quote]Yep, Best Unit (with a tiny bit of dracoshield) doing work. Also short bow suckiness.

Why are they 1-2 range? Just why?



Seriously tho, 1 range locked short bow, good idea, 1-2 range short bow, shite idea

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Don’t worry I’ll avoid using her :wink:

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Disclaimer: This is quite possibly the worst fire emblem chapter I have ever played. I didn’t do a lot of screenshotting during the map itself because it was just too tedious. I apologize.

rain rain go away


That sure is a namedrop

This is a super shoehorned attempt to make an enemy character sympathetic (along with Magnus as a whole). I appreciate the effort, but in this chapter it generally falls flat (even moreso once you realize how much i hate this map). For one, I’m not super convinced of either Magnus’ supposed evil deeds (we’ve always shown up to clean up after the fact) or that any of these soldiers deserve my sympathy. Typically, a scene like this one only works after another emotional scene (see: Don’t Speak Her Name! in Awakening).

Case in point - we go from a scene that is meant to provoke a sympathetic response… to Shon and Siegfried CHAR and Arch chatting about the weather.

…if that was the case, why would you willingly come this way? This is literally the least advantageous position for you to be in. I don’t even remember why you all are so pressed for time; why is it so important that you’re taking a shortcut like this in the first palce? All you’re doing is funnel yourself into a chokepoint with minimal ways out, so even if you push through whatever measly guard they left here, they know exactly where you will exit, meaning that the full force of the Magnian army (or at least whatever that Cid guy has) can hunt you at their leisure!


I thought that these were just random bandits ala FE7 and that the bulk of the map would be fighting Magnus, but no. These are actual hired thugs that Lorraine is using to corrall your troops into a certain area. Why am I feeling bad for this guy again?

First of all, of course they fucking knew you were coming this way.

Secondly, you have zero reason to expect that these bandits have any affiliation whatsoever with the Magnian army. This kind of mountain pass is exactly where bandits would want to hide and ambush merchant caravans attempting to take such a convenient shortcut, no? So why does the appearance of any bandits (especially considering Siegfried doesn’t know that there are actual troops waiting south yet) make you think of Magnus?

I… I’m conflicted. Siegfried isn’t wrong, but (especially considering the previous issue) you’d think a country with the resources to successfully invade the entire rest of the continent would at least be able to keep track of a stupid mountain pass.

relevant link

I’m leaving this part out of the spoiler tags by popular request.

This is by far the stupidest map I’ve encountered. Long walks, chokepoints, enemies hitting from peaks where I can’t follow, ugly-ass barfgreen palette and fucking rain. Let’s go over each of these in turn.

First of all, bandits on peaks. This is a terrible idea and I hate any map designer who thinks that flat +40 avoid to all enemies helps make a chapter more interesting. All it does is make your map frustrating and artificially longer to play. If the enemies were actually threatening, it might (might) result in some interesting positioning shenanigans to avoid having to fight them on the mountains, but they aren’t. Instead, all it does is mean you have to sit there getting peppered by Hand Axes and the like while dealing with the fact that Storm has 38 hit on these assholes.

Yes, you can lure them off and/or fight them with your other units, but that is made frustrating by the rain (more on that later). You don’t have to fight them (although you should, because those hand axes begin to sting after a while), but they’re holding valuable items like an Energy Ring or the Unlock staff.

Then there’s this asshole, who can’t be one-rounded and will run away from you to use his Elixir (that ultimately drops). This is particularly bad, because Cia (the best unit at this point) has only around 50% hit on him and gets one or two rounded in return. You saw Storm’s combat stats against him, but things get as low as 15% hit from Siegfried’s Javelin. Yes, Inanna can fight them with that clutch Axereaver, but there’s only one of her (and her gimped as fuck movement means it becomes super painful to fly her around). Also, this:

Peaks give +def so even our buff as fuck Inanna can’t kill them.

Next, let’s talk about the rain. Let’s look at some movement ranges:

This is… exceedingly terrible. Assuming that there’s no combat to be done on this map, you need to travel between 12 and 19 tiles to get from Inanna’s starting position to the boss. Inanna has 3 movement. Add one turn for every time an enemy gets in her path. That’s already four to six turns of just walking. If you decide not to fly over everything, it’s even worse - Siegfried, from his starting position, has a whopping 24 tiles to walk over, without including terrain or enemies. The man has 2 move. What the fuck.

The enemies themselves are also just difficult enough to require you to pay attention to your slog. At one moment, I had this moment:

(he died, of course)

Peppering things like Killer Axes and Swordreavers in amidst an otherwise completely brainless and tedious chapter is just a dick move. This chapter is only bearable on autopilot, but on autopilot things start getting fucked up.

Thankfully, once you get too close, this happens:

The boss then moves up quite a bit, as well as spawning a few more soldiers to fight with him (this is one of the worst attempts at sympathy pandering I’ve seen in a long time).

Like, this is meant to be some kind of final stand protecting the commander, but this is just pathetic. The boss himself isn’t even satisfying to fight (I solo’d him with Inanna), which is simultaneously a good and a bad thing - if he was a long fight by itself, it would be even more frustrating, due to the possibility of fucking up and having to restart the map and dying. However, with such an anticlimactic boss, it completely removes any satisfaction that could possibly be gained from this completely terrible map.


You see those houses around Inanna? There’s one near the start, too.

If you visit the one near the start, you get a nice “war sucks” speech, in which you hear that Lorraine’s troops are the only ones that remotely decent (MORE SYMPATHY).

Think you can safely skip the next two? Ha, hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

And you get an Axereaver and an Armor Cutter for your trouble (NOT FORESHADOWING AT ALL). Nowhere, ever, is it stated that these two houses in particular would give you anything (and these two items look pretty important to me). Note also that the boss is really close to Inanna, which means that I now have to make the choice between finishing the stupid map and getting my fucking items.

I chose the latter, much to my own chagrin.


more script


This is a terrible conversation. “People pick sides and those that don’t die anyway”? What is that supposed to mean? I get that it’s meant to be some sort of “head down keep grinding until we win” sort of speech, but the effect falls completely flat. If you’re going to go the direction of “war and people dying is inevitable”, at least bust my balls with a speech that makes sense.


FEXNA remake when


hopefully never


bad war is bad but you’ll fight me later so it’s k

Chapter 8

Noooo, of course not. Whatever could go wrong?

Insert witty comment about current political climate here

Best mage eldritch abomination wears robe, gains HP.

Arch for best chip.

Cia kills that first soldier and lures down another on EP, getting a nice level in the process.

The Sandman strikes once again, it seems.

Shon’s lancereaver makes quick work of this cavalier, getting a nice statbooster, presumably for Kevin.

Door keys?

Where we’re going, we don’t need…flips sunglasses door keys.

First two of the greenies recruited.

Enemies slacking a bit here (the second was a miss too, just missed the screeny (no pun intended).


I’m actually having some inventory issues here, so this will probably replace one that’s wearing out.

This is one of those mismanagements. Oops.

Another good level.

I was intending to steal this thief’s lockpicks, but he attacked Althares and got crit-killed in return. Oh well.

This cav was supposed to go for Cia, but she killed the knight guarding the door and opened up the space for him to attack. Not that it did much.

Cia thunderstrikes him into oblivion.

Tamiko wants to demonstrate she is a useful member of the team. She succeeds. Admirably.

Free money/healing.

…Not so great, but i won’t complain too loudly.

Hothead McGee recruited, and benched.

Seeking to prove that the previous level wasn’t a fluke, Tamiko shines again.

Much better.

Pro strats.

Of course, there was a reason I wanted to lure it over…

Pretty nice, ok, and ok. I don’t think Anakin keeps any levels gained here, so he’s not seeing combat; the “You can do it!” skill is pretty useful, though.

That’s what, 4 elixirs on this map? Almost an angelic robe’s worth.

Yeah, sure, he can take it.

Meanwhile, Althares loots the chests and gets another Emblem weapon and a new tome for Cia.

Kevin, with Tamiko and Anakin’s help, defeats Mina…and we’re back to the usual lousy levels.

How can you tell? Your visor slots are on your forehead.


tfw Blazer didn’t even give the female shaman a female shaman animation. It bothers me…


Next update: Chapter 9! Where Dat fucks everything up!

Who’s that sexy guy?

…Why can’t we just go past it? Is it really the only place we can go? Why are we even going this way?

looks at map of world
Oh yeah, he’s completely right.

…I can’t even comment on this…

One preparations screen later

So here we get a nice little prepromote in the form of Haas (He had some story, but fuck TLP’s story)

Haas isn’t balanced at all. He comes with a killing edge, and can dodge most attacks. And even then most of them do little to no damage to his fucking massive 48 HP pool. 10/10 prepromote Blazer.

“I am Kevin. I am strong as bull”

Gotta stop the flow of Brigands from the mountain. A sleep staff works wonders for that!

A lot of my time was spent making sweet new palettes for the new characters! Aren’t they nice?

Man, Liquid is a special sort. He is my safe unit for this run, and there’s a very good reason why. He’s not playable at the moment, and we need to do something this run to ensure he does become playable.

Also fucking look at those anime eyes. Why did Blazer make such an awesome portrait just for him?

More sleeeep

Pretty sure that’s not supposed to happen


And just to make this map even more fun, it’s a rain map! Yay!

Uh oh! Althares needs an elixir and he doesn’t have the room for Kevin to give him one!

Gotta do some inventory management

There we go!

Also, fuck rain. This ain’t fun. This is tedious.

I make up the rules…

…and therefore I must follow them.

Thanks Blazer. How helpful.

Speed pls

Well, we don’t have any castle maps after this so I may as well get rid of the unlock + Chest Key. We need inventory space!



And this is why I like Nomad troopers better than ranger…

Levels 4 days

Ah fuck.


Alright, Kevin’s getting some armor upgrades!

Iron Lance! Those are always helpful!

Ah shit, he already has one. Better sell it back.

Ah, a steel axe. That’ll be handy when he promotes!

Hmm, not sure if he’ll have the weapon rank to use it though.

Hand axe is probably safe!

And an Iron Axe for good measure.

Perfect! His first speed level!



Uh oh…


Ah shit, that one wasn’t expected. This isn’t good…

Right, that’s enough fucking around. I’ve done enough damage to the team as it is. Time to try-hard


Try-harding involves sucking the EXP out of that wonderful heal staff.

Speed pls

You’ll survive I guess. I’m surprised your level is so low.



And an underwhelming final level for now. K.

And now we have the boss.

For some stupid reason you have to face Liquid in combat with Haas. If this was a blind run, you would have no idea to do this. And likely kill him. This is pretty much exactly why me and Cam swapped, just to ensure I got Liquid safely…

More talking after a single round of combat.

And Liquid buggers off somewhere. And thus he will be playable later!

And that sums up my mood over this chapter. See you all next time!


You’re dead to me

Chapter 10: Eternal Bondage

Eternal Bonds


Damn him and his fluidity!
oh my
Down with Arch, up with Arch, etc. etc.
Grammatically terrible and tutorialesque. The objective is to kill the enemy, not to “massively damage” them. “The troops will flank them.” “The soldiers will attack them from behind.” “We’re going to trap them.” Any of those would’ve worked better.
Oh my
Someone actually wrote this. What the fuck?
This response is made from disappointment ore.
I get a feeling that we’re missing something, but can’t put my finger on it…
Not sure if reference or one-trick-pony writer… Either way, fuck you.
D’aww, best eldritch beast ever. <3
something something plot
oh man i totally didn’t need any boosters with these stat ups
Secondary AI of the healer is to charge the enemy.
Are these guys supposed to block me?
Oh man, now I can unscrew myself. Thanks Dat
Hi Blazer.
brb swimming
more like althedef
You’ve made a terrible mistake, bud. You’re about to meet. . . .
. . .the greatest dancer you’ve ever seen!
Down with Arch!
Up with Arch!
Remember: People praise this hack.
I’d fight myself if I were a character in this.
hah funny life joke written by a kid.

Even Kevin’s sick of this…
The blurry nose of death comes for ye.
And gains a level for it.

That’s the end of this chapter! Finally! Time for a cutscene!


i sware on me mum this fite iz naught scripted


Something’s wrong here…

It proceeded to softlock there, so I’m not even going to play the interlude myself.


No probs! Glad to help!


Shon for Wendy-tier 2016.


This is the best.

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