But first, some pairings. Now, I could select all the most canon pairings…buuuuuut that’s a little boring. Instead, I did the opposite, and selected the most nonsensical pairings.
We have:
Rebecca x Sain
Serra x Oswin
Fiora x Kent
Priscilla x Heath
Farina x Dart
Nino x Legault
Isadora x Renault
And Lyn x Eliwood
Now with all that out of the way, let’s begin.
Story stuff
Me when haves no milk
yes punish me lyn-senpai uwu
:Lyndis? Ah, by all means. What can I do for you?
: Forgive me, Eliwood, but I’m worried about you…
Clearly this just means Eliwood is a stressed college student.
: Everyone is growing concerned. Please, tell me what is wrong?
: Tell everyone that I’ll be all right. There’s no cause for alarm, I promise.
: Please, Eliwood, just talk to me?
: …I’m sorry, Lyn. Don’t be troubled, please. I just need time to collect my thoughts, nothing more.
: Eliwood…
In other news…
: I haven’t seen him so distraught since Lord Elbert passed on.
: There’s your explanation right there, Sir Marcus. Lady Eleanora’s passing is disturbing Eliwood. Please, just allow him some time to mourn.
: I understand that despair. Forgive my bluntness, but he’s been thus way for two weeks! We have intelligence suggesting the Bolm Mountain Bandits have been increasingly active.
Nooo I need the angst
: Can nobody else handle these matters? Lord Eliwood is in no condition to lead.
: Only the Marquess can declare an act of war, Miss Natalie.
…well that’s convenient
: I couldn’t get him to open up.
That’s just called divorce.
: Eliwood claims he only wants time to think. And yet I worry for him, he doesn’t look well…
: It’s out of hand! Miss Natalie, do you have any suggestions?
Wait elibe has psychiatrists?
Don’t we all?
: …That just might be it. When we sailed home from the Dread Isle after Elbert died, Elwood was silent for the entire trip to Lycia… Remember? We were attacked by the Black Fang that night.
By “fought valiantly” do you mean “got babysat while Marcus soloed the chapter”?
: It was as if his father’s death was of no concern to him…
: Yes, I remember.
Top 10 pictures taken moments before disaster(NOT CLICKBAIT)
monologue time
: How can you truly prepare for the death of your parents? I had expected it to come later, long into my tenure as marquess. Yet here I am…The last living member of Pherae’s royal family. In the span of four years, both my parents lost their lives…What if sickness or sword were to take my life right now? My dear, sweet wife… What would become of her? No…I can’t dwell on this…I won’t let it happen… Mother… Father… I hope my words may reach you now…
applause
Oh look it’s disaster
: What? What’s going on? Is that you, Sir Meredith?
felicia.mp4
: The Bolm Mountain Bandits, just as we feared. Our militia was taken by complete surprise…The last few men still fight valiantly outside, but the walls are breached.
understatement of the century
: Harken’s gathering the knights elite, they’ll arrive soon. Well have to make our stand here in this castle. Where is Lord Eliwood?! He must be taken to safety!
: Follow me!
: We’re under attack!
I see eliwood is channeling his inner Hector
: The Bolm Mountain Bandits.
: Marcus?
: At your command.
: Where are the others?
rlly?
: Harken and the royal knights should be arriving shortly.
perfect timing
: Well enough, Harken. Thanks for your concern.
: That’s good enough for me. Lord Eliwood, stay back. We’ll all protect you.
: If Pherae is to fall, you must escape!
: …I appreciate your concern, certainly. But I cannot run away.
Goatee LowenTM is here to save the day!
: These are the Bolm Mountain Bandits! They’re…tough!
: These are my lands, Lowen. The people, these are mine to defend from these bandits.
thats banditcist
: How could we deny you after words like those?
: It’s settled, then. Come, we must meet these bandits with our finest!
And on that note, let the zerker slaughter begin.
the zerker slaughter
i spent wayyyyy too long making it all fit together(also having too thin of a display probably breaks this)
So our strategy will be to send two teams in both directions to kill every last one of them. Very simple.
Now for our units
If I had, y’know, made pairings that actually might have made sense(ie Eliwood x Ninian), Eliwood would be one of our best units in the bandit slaughter thanks to WTA and decent offensive stats. As it is…he’s outclassed by Lyn in every offensive stat and only has 5 more defense to compensate. He does get a good 1-2 range prf, but…sol katti is ridiculously good now, so why pick off zerkers at 2 range when you can just crit and kill them.
Now, Lyn is ridiculously good, unlike in FE7. In particular, 23 speed lets her double everything on the map except Onslow, who leaves anyway. Also did I mention Sol Katti is ridiculously good now?
This is why. An astronomical 50 crit gives her 70+ crit against the 8-10 luck enemies. Combined with A support with Eliwood, she will crit literally everything. The weight reduction from whatever enormous number it was in base FE7 to a more manageable 10 means that her speed only gets reduced to 21 now, still enough to double all the axe wielders.
Compared to everyone else, Marcus is looking a little weak. That said, he still holds up fine. He also gets a broken prf, Espontoon, which is a brave weapon with a) 60 uses and b) 120 hit, allowing him to pretty much ignore weapon triangle. Also brave weapon. man this is like heroes with everyone getting broken prfs
Natalie is staffbot. Next!
Huh, an OC. Neato.
Meredith will also be staffbotting, but with more combat. For some reason she has access to all 4 types of magic, though she’ll mostly be using Elfire to double and kill all the low res axe users.
Harken is Harken. The thing I’m worried most about is him running out of brave sword uses.
Lowen is here to be a brick wall and not much else.
And finally, Rebecca will 3 range stuff I guess.
Oh yeah, bows are 2-3 range now with longbows being 3-5 range, though with hit reduction at range. That said she’ll definitely be one of the weaker units due to a) no weapon triangle advantage b) 16 str isn’t that much in this group and c) silver bow only has 65 hit, giving her only 80 hit against the fighter at the beginning, making her less than reliable.
With all that out of the way, we can finally begin to kill every last one of them.
But first, some talking.
First, Lowen and Marcus.
: Just fine, Sir Marcus!
: Excellent. This is your first battle since being made a royal knight.
… well, that’s morbid
I love how shocked he is
yes marcus
: It’s just…you’ve always been very tough on me.
: Lowen, you’ve worked very hard under my tutelage. You’ve grown from a goofy squire to a dedicated knight. You may be a mediocre knight, if I may speak honestly.
oof.jpg
: But you’re focused and reliable, an ally deserving of respect.
: T-thank you, Sir Marcus! It’s an honor to fight beside my master!
: Don’t lose your head, Lowen!
ok boomer
: Right, sir!
dammit why didn’t I get anything from that 
Next, Natalie and Eliwood
: You should take shelter, you might get hurt!
: Don’t worry for me, Lord Eliwood. I am a royal medic of Pherae, this is my duty.
: I appreciate the help, Natalie. I just want to be sure that you’ll be okay. Dorcas has told me about your leg before…
: When my husband returned from his journeys, he took me to a great healer, Yoder, a renowned clergyman. My leg isn’t perfect, but I can get around on it. Of course, I’ve got my trusty steed helping me out! Sir Yoder inspired me, milord. I want to be able to help others the way he helped me.
: A noble wish indeed. Natalie, if you’re certain, then I’m happy to have you. My knights will protect you, but please take this tome. Battles are unpredictable, I can’t leave you defenseless.
: Thank you, Lord Eliwood.
ooo foreshadowing
: She has reported some health problems recently, I want to help her in any way I can. It really is touching to see how much you love each other.
: Natalie, thank you…First I must concentrate on winning this battle. But once this is over, I’ll focus more on caring for Lyn.
Lightning tome get!
Now, to the bandit slaughter.
Lyn starts us off by whacking this fighter, who she unfortunately doesn’t crit.
Meredith finishes him off.
Rebecca demonstrates the new 3-5 range longbows by 2-ranging him. Unfortunately, she doesn’t kill him.
We also loot our own castle and get boots. These will go to Marcus because a) 10 mov b) Marcus carries over into Merlinus Tale and c) aforementioned brave prf will let him wreck face.
On enemy phase…
It seems we have an evil badguy conversation.
: Why did we wait so long to crush these weaklings?
: In my book, it’s better to take time and be certain.
…wellllll…hes not wrong
yeah, which is why we’ll loot our own castle before he does. Can’t get looted if you already looted your own castle taps forehead
insert evil laughter
: Eliwood’s the last member of the Pheraean bloodline. Soon, everyone will sing the praises of King Onslow, King of the Thieves! What are we waiting for, boys, get to work!
I think the leg is a better body part but eh
EEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLL
And another fighter tries to take a swing at Lyn. He fails miserably, though Lyn somehow fails to crit again.
fuck you physic staffhole
Back on player phase, Rebecca demonstrates the new, bad accuracy of bows by missing and thus failing to kill this guy.
We also continue to have some nice conversations over tea cue teatime music
: My ears are always open for you, Marcus.
: Exercise caution. We can’t afford any mistakes here.
Marcus is an asian parent confirmed
: Thank you, truly…
: My family’s served Pherae for as long as anybody can recall.
: You’re a good man, Marcus. I count myself lucky to have such a sterling knight.
: This is my duty, milord. The hour may be dark, but we shall overcome. With you as our liege, Pherae cannot fall today! I shall do everything in my power to see it so.
: Hear hear, Marcus!
Espontoon tiem
:An old family heirloom…my most treasured weapon. Today, I wield it in defense of my land and my lord.
Broken prf get!
In other news, Lyn crits a dude(finally!)
and Meredith finishes off the longbow warrior, netting us his longbow. And yes, that is bolting.
Natalie also chips this fighter…
…to be finished off by Harken.
The enemies continue moving toward us, while this myrm manages to double and crit Lowen while still only doing 8 damage total. Lowen laughs at your pathetic attempts at “damage”.
That said a shaman does come in and deal substantially more damage to him. Also he’s poisoned now.
Eliwood continues to loot his own castle, netting us…
Huh. I feel like this would have been one of the dancer rings if, y’know, you paired Eliwood with Ninian like any sane person would. Anywho, this will go to Eliwood. In completely unrelated news, Eliwood’s inventory is full, and so we drop a Silver Sword.
Marcus shows off the power of Espontoon by critting some random shaman. By the way, he would have quadded the shaman anyway.
Lyn crits…again.
Harken cares not for your reaver weapons.
Meredith takes a heal staff from Natalie, and proceeds to patch up Harken with it.
Enemy phase…
oooo reinforcements
fun
This has been your daily reminder that FE class names suck.
: I’m going to check on our boys down in the villages. Warner, I’m leaving this to you. Don’t fail me!
: Of course not, Onslow!
: Ahem!
: I mean…King Onslow! I’ll see 'em all dead beneath my feet!
: Good, good. I leave you to your work, Warner.
…oh he left. Neat
EEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLL
: Bwahaha. These knights’ll wish they never stood up to King Onslow and the Bolm Mountain Bandits!
At last, the glorious and valiant Sain has arrived to save the day!
: I fear for my lovely Rebecca…no, no! My sweet wouldn’t let these slippery brutes get the best of her! Not in a million years! Wait no longer, dear!
Oh, Sain…never change.
Oh look it’s the chapter gimmick
While enemies are attacking, the unit will make his way to the other side of the castle. On your next turn, that unit will appear on the staircase tile on the other side of the map.
Now that our favorite skirt chaser is here, let’s take a look at him.
His stats are actually pretty good, the issue is that he doesn’t come with a sword of any sort, so he’ll need to steal Marcus’ steel sword to do anything to the bandits and zerkers.
And we have some more talking.
: The last two members of Lord Elbert’s Knights Elite…
: Seems like the universe wants to pick off the last two! I thought I’d seen the last of battle after retirement.
ok boomer
: If you hadn’t retired, you’d have likely met the same fate.
: When word first came that the knights elite had vanished…I was dumbstruck, in a state of complete and total denial.
GASP is that a motherfuckin Immortal Sword reference?!
: Even the strongest men…we’re all still just mortals, I suppose.
: For a time, as the only survivor, I could see no purpose in life…My brothers in arms, all slain. I’d failed to protect my liege.
it seems Harken overdosed on depresso
: What happened to Issac? Don’t think I’ve ever actually asked.
: Marcus never asked either. I’ve never had the heart to bring up Isaac’s fate.
: …Was it gruesome?
: You know Isaac. Never one to back down. He landed the first strike, and was made an example of. Burnt to a crisp by the blackest of infernos…All that remained was a charred, crumbling skeleton.
: …I see.
: This only steeled our resolve. When offered surrender, we chose to fight. The rest is history. We knew nothing of the dark powers that we’d confronted.
: Still, I’m happy at least one man returned home.
: At first, I would’ve gladly lain down in my own casket. And yet time moves onward. Now, I fight for tomorrow. For Lord Eliwood, and the future of Pherae!
: Hear, hear!
Now for Lyn and Natalie.
: Lady Lyndis! Milady! Are you alright?
: I…I’m alright. It’s just…I’ve had some bad headaches recently…I’ve been feeling exhausted, even after a full rest.
: I see. Lord Eliwood’s condition must be causing you stress. How long has this been going on for?
: I think…I think it’s been about a week? Maybe a little more…
: Hm… Lady Lyndis, would you see me later? I feel it’s my duty to address this matter.
: Thank you, Natalie.
ooooo foreshadowing
On enemy phase, these bandits run away. Clearly they’re scared of Lyn.
This myrmidon decides to attack Lyn.
It goes as well for him as you might expect.
Another bandit gets sacrificed to the 5 Lyns.
This myrmidon actually manages to hit Lyn…And is immediately killed for his trouble.
Another bandit decides to attack Meredith instead. It still does not go well for him.
damn you physic staffhole
Back on player phase, Harken takes care of a Luna shaman.
Lyn gets healed and then picks off the bandit.
And Sain moves up here. In a previous save I may or may not have had him take a swing at the swordmaster below him, leading to him going down to 10 HP.
Lowen dodges an eclipse asshole…
…and Sain gets a get out of jail free card via staircase.
Broken prf get!
It seems Eliwood has a little talking to do.
: My father once wielded this sword in Pherae’s defense. …Lend me your strength. I shall use this strength to defend our people… Just as my father did before me, I shall fight!
thank you eliwood very cool
At this point, the gang splits up. Lowen, Marcus, Rebecca, and Meredith go left, while Lyn, Eliwood, and Natalie go right to meet up with Said in the right corner staircase.
Back to beating up the bare chested dudes, Meredith patches up Lowen.
damn you eclipse
We should probably do something about the physicer…
In other news, Lyn crits another bandit.
And in what turns out to be a terrible decision, I move Harken up to enemy phase some warriors and bandits.
But before we get to that, zerker reinforcements show up. Two will show up as bush spawns and 2 as normal reinforcements for a looooong time(i think up to turn 20 ish?)
dammit harken
Dammit Harken
DAMMIT HARKEN! THE ODDS WERE IN YOUR FAVOR!
aaaaaand more zerkers show up. Wonderful
At least he didn’t die to poison. That would’ve been embarrassing.
Meredith brings him back from the brink of death.
More sacrifices are made to the multiple Lyns.
Sain one shots a rogue…
And gets this pretty good level.
You know the drill, moar zerkers appear.
Somehow this guy manages to hit Lyn. Twice.
But even the rng can’t save him from Lyn.
dammit Lyn
much better, Harken
This druid manages to hit Sain…
…and Lyn gets healed…
…so she can kill the druid.
Rebecca chips the swordmaster…
and Harken heals up since poison in actually kind of a threat now.
How many zerkers are there?!
Lowen continues to tank…
And more physicing occurs.
Also, this rogue stole an iron rune from the chest at the top left. We should probably do something about that…
But first, the swordmaster. Rebecca chips…
…and Marcus finishes.
Meredith and Eliwood use two kinds of fire to take out two kinds of bandits.
On the other side, Lyn is being Lyn. Though this crit doesnt kill due to sheer HP, she doubles anyway-
wait wut
Sain gets a heal to finish the zerker off
dammit sain
man the rng must really hate me
At least he manages to kill him with the double.
oh neat another crit
Sain dodges a bullet and kills the bandit.
I take back anything bad I ever said about the rng.
Lyn continues being Lyn.
With two crits, because the first one didn’t kill.
Lyn equips Mani Katti since Sol Katti is kind of running out of uses.
The reaping continues.
Now for the iron rune rogue. Rebecca chips…
yay strength
…and Marcus finishes. Iron rune get!
wow that sure was LUCKy wasn’t it Marcus?
so many disappointing levels. I probably used up all my luck with Sain dodging the zerker.
…I stand corrected.
Theeeeeeres the rng we know and love
Everyone gets in on the zerker murdertrain.
and Natalie gets a decent level from healing.
Your time is up, physic staffhole.
From the slaughter comes this mediocre level.
Lyn ducks an axe.
And the multiple Lyns strike back.
Burn, baby, burn~
With one final snipe, the tyranny of the physic staffs is ended.
The venin edge swordmaster is also sniped.
In what turns out to be another terrible idea, I advance the entire right side.
ow
ow
With great pain comes mediocre levels.
Over on the left side, things aren’t going much better.
Let’s patch Marcus up.
Tanking is very profitable for Lowen.
Look at all those dodges.
Harken takes Marcus’ steel sword since the brave sword is running a little low on uses.
dammit eliwood
Lyn gets more stats to be more Lyn.
Marcus makes another lucky dodge.
The rng giveth, and the rng taketh.
Here’s Lyn crit #3142.
A pretty bad level for Rebecca…
And an only slightly one for Marcus.
Your demise will come as soon as I can get Lyn close enough to you.
All the Lyn crits are getting boring, so have a Lowen crit.
Death to physic.
Now that zerker reinforcements have dried out, it’s time to draw out the shaman.
Meanwhile Natalie goes to the top right chest since I may or may not have completely forgotten about it.
Shaman status: baited.
Shaman status: dead.
thats a lotta damage
…That was disappointing
And so is this level.
Now onto the boss.
Warren has some pretty good stats, but the problem is is that he’s a zerker, and thus dies to Lyn. We can also easily get him to switch to his weaker short axe and not have to deal with brave or reaver shenanigans, since he only moves in range.
I chip Warner with Bolting because I can.
Before we finish off Warner, we have some more talking to do.
: Oh, what a joy it is to reunite at last! I feared we might never see each other again…
https://ameriburn.org/public-resources/find-a-burn-center/
: You look worried. What ever is wrong, dearest?
: It’s nothing, Sain…
: Are you sick? Are you hurt? Did you lose something?
: No, it’s nothing like that, dear. I’m just worried about my brother.
: Oh, right, Dan. I’m sure he’s just fine in the…
It was at this moment that he knew
he fucked up.
: Sain!
: Sorry, I hadn’t exactly connected those dots.
: With his injuries he cannot fight as well… he’s been thinking about joining Pherae’s militia… I just hope he isn’t trying to fight anyone!
: Well, we’ll just have to finish up here. Then, we’ll rush down and rescue Dan together.
: Thank you, Sain. Let’s hurry!
Now we can finish Warner off.
more words happen
no
: You have trampled my lands, harmed my people…I will make you pay for your misdeeds!
: Hah! A nobleman who thinks he understands the world!
Well uh
No u
Eliwood sidesteps an axe and burns a heretic.
Aaaaand he’s dead.
Get lost, old man. You smell.
Ridding your castle of bandit infections is highly profitable.
Ooooooooohhhhh!
Eliwood’s face in this screenshot is amazing. He looks so done. Which is probably justified considering he just murdered(or rather, watched his wife murder) his way through 10 billion berserkers.
Anywho, VICTURI!
: Err, yes? I just finished reading “The Blazing Sword”. Was it not to your liking?
: Yes, and I’ve heard it told at least a thousand times!
: Understood. Would you like us to bring the next two in?
: Er…“New” entertainment? What happened to the old entertainment?
: But we assure you, it’s far from boring!
: Lord Eliwood! Welcome Sir, what brings you to this fort?
: Now Hector walked into my shop in Ostia, you can imagine the surprise on my face! He asked me to lead the convoy to Pherae. We’ve brought everything you could possibly need!
