A literary analysis of the staff of ages part 2


#1

Alright who knows if this analysis it will ever be well received or effort to publish it is worth it, but I wont think about it to much.
Having had a conversation with one of the member of the SOA writing team and now with a new perspective. I come to understand their decisions, my errors and misunderstandings.

And while I cannot agree with every point of their decisions. I will keep them closely in mind the current and future analysis.

This time i will try to express a little more and elaborate more on my arguments and maybe use examples.

Please note this a draft of an outline, so there will topics I will left vague like character and tropes analysis, the real analysis would require to much time and there no way in hell I gonna write the complete detailed analysis in english which I will have to rewrite in spanish.

I will instead just focus on the elements that stand out the most.

FAQ

Will this have spoiler?
Yes, Obviously…

Will this be fun?
Maybe, but probably not.I could make jokes (in fact i will) but I shouldn’t do that in analysis. At best this can be a learning experience about good witting and common mistakes.

Will I attempt to suggest changes?
Yes and no, I’m not sure how to explain this, but the editor job is to point out what works, what don’t and how or don’t works (also find typos and grammar errors but more of a polishing near release thing, also my english isn’t that good for that).

I’m not supposed to propose changes or contributions in the history itself, just how it is presented.

Now to answer why I’m posting it on FEU?
Well I’m not really sure, maybe I wanna show my skills in order to get attention or something. (those pesky human needs for attention)

Is this a personal attack against SOA writters team?
Yes! In fact after im done with them i will go after the new TLP writter team and make them change the title.
"The last promise. Broken promise" the heck with that?! might as well we should start calling all FE
"Fire emblem. The emblem of fire"

Now on all seriousness if that even a word, i loved SOA challeging and interesting gameplay, but part of the insentive to play , at least for me but i pretty sure that everyone is influenced by it in some degree, is the history; which is engaging but it really take me out of the inmersion on how often it break my suspension of disbelief with arkward dialog and lack of consistency.
Hopefully this could help SOA team, other aspiring fire emblem writters and me to growth as a writter.

Now let get started shall w—

( nero?! what are you doing here? dont pop out of nowhere like u scared me to death! )

Chapter 2

Map sequence

Fort Cyrcel summoned a messenger to carry Lord Owen and Lord Sawyer’s message to the capital city of Idethra. After a week of travel, the message arrived in Queen Kalvesta’s Royal Court. Seneca, Kalvesta’s head advisor,
now bears the message as he begins to present it to his queen.

The capital city of Idethra, for a good 8 seconds i was wondering about which country capital city it was talking about.
During my conversation with one of the writers they explained about how they will bring more about each country as needed and how they want to make stronger associations with repetitions of names.
Here was one of the places were redundancy was welcome but alas there none.

For a little while i forgot that kalvesta is the name of the queen of fortuita and by relational logic idethra is fortuita capital and that is taking in mind i pay decent attention to the intro.
That the reason why I talking about a more elaborated kingdom introduction back on the intro.

The queen and his adviser

Good points

The discussion between the queen and Seneca is very well executed, it does not show that neither of the two is right and that great.

Need revision

I’m relieved that they are in good health and that the attack managed to be routed. That fort has been within our borders long before I was even alive. Send an envoy with some supplies and a squadron of soldiers to aid the commander and his men.

They were after the land not the fort. It doesn’t make sense. Also trying to use counter argument like “long before I was even alive” against something like “The land it is built on is ancestral Aryndese territory!” is senseless, it could changed for something with more precedence like “centuries before I was even alive”


(For some reason I fell like she is referring to me, weird…)

Exposition time!

I am doing everything I can to protect the people! You have to remember, dear, that this is the first war humanity has known since the Black Mist wars of old. Velhari didn’t leave many treatises on strategy in her wake, unfortunately. Her greatest gift to us was the Staff. We could certainly attempt to make use of it. Our royal blood is the key to its guarding door, after all. But its power is so raw… So… ancient. I feel unsafe utilizing it for anything other than ceremonial accolades. Regardless, I just don’t believe violence in response to violence is the correct choice here.

.

Velhari didn’t leave many treatises on strategy in her wake, unfortunately.

Why velhari would have anything to do with not having strategy books?
Was she a master strategist, librarian in charge of preserving books and also the only strategist in the world which wrote books back then?
Even if all of that is true, it shouldn’t be mentioned there.

The point in this sentence seem to be making clear the fact that there not much information on strategy and risky to take a reckless path, talking about velhari in this sentence robs importance to it
Mention her in the staff dialog would be a better fit.

Our royal blood is the key to its guarding door, after all.

One thing is giving enough information to let attentive player make guesses, which they can get wrong, and another is give plot revealing facts.
This sentence hurts the narrative pretty badly, it destroy the intrigue of why senneca pursuit belle.
Letting the reader know where the plot is going from so far away in such obvious way is a something that shouldnt be done.

It turns the narrative boring as he will know were the plot is going. This can be keep in the narrative, but not like this it need to be way more subtle.

Although it will be preferred to write it off since it will be mentioned in way better form later on the game and it will build intrigue better.

This is a example of what i mean.
Now i shouldnt be doing this, doing repharsing myself i mean, but im struggling with not having a print sheet of paper with the dialog where i could point out and write notes with a pencil the problems and good points.

Just dont take my repharsing too serious, heck it could even have grammatic errors for all i know.

With books, staff and sublte hit of the guarding door

I am doing everything I can to protect the people! You have to remember, dear, that this is the first war humanity has known since the Black Mist wars of old. Without many treatises on strategy, a careless action could turn this in a disaster. Even with the Staff, Velhari greatest gift to us behind the sealed door.
Attempting to make use of a power So… raw So… ancient. I…I feel unsafe utilizing it for anything other than ceremonial accolades.

Regardless, I just don’t believe violence in response to violence is the correct choice here.


With books, staff and no hint of the guarding door

I am doing everything I can to protect the people! You have to remember, dear, that this is the first war humanity has known since the Black Mist wars of old. Without many treatises on strategy, a careless action could turn this in a disaster. Even with the Staff, Velhari greatest gift to us on our side.
Attempting to make use of a power So… raw So… ancient. I…I feel unsafe utilizing it for anything other than ceremonial accolades.

Regardless, I just don’t believe violence in response to violence is the correct choice here.

Sabastian and senneca

I suppose we wouldn’t, Sebastian.
Come, let’s walk.
I’m certainly in need of some fresh
air in light of the circumstances.

I’m still not gonna let redundant use of name escape my wrath!

Let me finish, Sebastian.

Or here

Don’t I always, Seneca? However, it would be best if we took this discussion outside.
We wouldn’t want any stray ears listening in on us, now would we?

Now this is some really awkward foreshadowing, the problem is not the dialog it self the problem is that nero just happens magically to pop up on the right moment when they are talking of their “evil plan”.


(I see u havent learned your lesson nero, dont go teleporting on people, it is rude)

Nero need to be introduced on to the narrative, but I don’t meant it formally, him appearing on the castle corridor saying something like
have a good night on your way out, sir’s” (he his a castle guard he have a excuse to be there) right before the start of the Sebastian and Seneca conversation and then over hearing their fishy conversation would give him a reason to follow them and hear the rest.

Belle and Oona

Good points
A nice introduction of Oona and Charles with no redundant use of names, what else could I ever ask :,)

Need revisions


(She wasnt joking about the immediately part)

There not a illusion of passage of time between the travel from the castle to the village. They just teleport to the village, making some kind of short scene with no dialog of them leaving the castle could be solution.

(This guy have some serious sharp sight.)

Well,well,would you look at this? The princess herself is on her way here!
Looks like royal blood will be spilling sooner than we thought!

The bandit boss spouting bell from so far and so rapidly doesn’t give a good sense of pacing or adecuate distance.
Delaying his dialog a 1 or 2 turns would give a better pace to the narrative and distance.

Is the princess on a pegasus? Bring out the wyvern, boys!
Kill her and capture her beast! We’ll be living like kings if we can sell a pegasus!

Even with that sight, he couldn’t see a belle jet black pegasus, ¿What?

And that will be all for the chapter 2,barely had time to make the draft this time, even used more time that i should had by the time a realized it was already 3 am, i been super busy with art school and programming courses, and yes i gotta have both cuz i need a real career acording to my parents. Now i must sleep. See u on the next analysis.


#2

A post was merged into an existing topic: A literary analysis of the staff of ages


#3