(Script until prologue part 2) Fire Emblem: Eagles & Lions (updated 24-3-2021)

Here I’ll be posting the script of this hack I want to make while I write it. I’m using this because nobody reads it on the “Writans” section of the discord.

Note: I write it in spanish, then I machine-translate it and check if it makes sense, so excuse me for my bad english.

-Opening sequence: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A9val8wtIenFlHWc9kjtDI6saumwOoZl8IMXTNO3iCQ/edit?usp=sharing
-Prologue 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tBm_YgAdMHtuIRphKXAasaLO1rOZo-W6mLgIJZiBWrM/edit?usp=sharing
-Prologue 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZrzxE3gTvqiE02TkP78JA3uyC8qlNEZxo5KB7DS6MMI/edit?usp=sharing

Obviously, feedback is welcome

Edit: Including a poll to encourage the people to read it.

What do you think about what I’ve written?

  • -It’s good (an the following feedback on a reply)
  • -I don’t understand it…
  • -No comments
  • -It’s bad (and the following feedback as a reply)

0 voters


Is this intended to just be written work?

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Ir’s intended to show what to make in the hack, but I think you can read it fine

I’ve included a poll for you to leave your opinion on an easier way.

Hi, I read the script and I don’t think it’s bad, but it definitely needs some improvement.
Please take the following criticism with a grain of salt, since I’m not trying to mock the project.

Problem number 1: The characters.
So we know the story is a prequel to FE3H, but that doesn’t give us much insight about the characters’ personalities.
In fact, we get to know nothing (And I mean, literally nothing) about the main characters when, suddenly, b a n d i t s.
And, along the fight itself, we don’t get to learn anything at all either about the characters because they all react the same way. Don’t get me wrong, several FE games are guilty of this too. For example, The Binding Blade throws you right into the chapter with very little displays of personality from the units. However I feel like that should be avoided.

Three Houses did this right by having a tiny bit of dialogue before the battle that reveals what is going through everyone’s head. Claude was luring the enemy away from the party or maybe just running away, Dimitri was following him to make sure he is safe and protect everyone, and Edelgard was calmly observing the situation while secretly plotting to murder everyone. This is important because it lets you flesh out your characters a bit.

Problem number 2: The dialogues.
-Soldier: Bandits spotted.
-Loog: Pan, Frederick, prepare your weapons.
-Frederick: It will be done sir. P L A Y E R P H A S E

Okay, I might be oversimplifying this a little but what I’m trying to say here is that this dialogue tells us nothing about the characters. If you want to be concise, you will need the few words you use to be as meaningful as possible.

Problema número 3: La gramática.
As a spanish speaker whose hack had a lot of grammar errors, I perfectly understand some of the mistakes. I’d like to suggest some fixes:
1- “Inútiles” doesn’t translate exactly to english as a single word in most contexts. You should change “Come on useless, attack” to “Come on, you useless people, attack” or “dumbasses” .
2- Some of the names can be confusing. Like I said, If I didn’t know that this was a 3H prequel, I’d think the game takes place in Ylisse with names like Frederick. Of course, it’s totally fine if you don’t change it, it’s just a suggestion.

Now the good things about the script:

1- The pacing.
I don’t really agree with this, but some people really like skipping over introductions and going straight to the gameplay. The short nature of the script allows the player to start playing immediately without sitting through dialogue. If you can keep the introductions short while also giving more meaning to the lines, I think you’ll do fine.

2- The stakes.
Just after the first chapter, you are already a wanted man in the empire, which creates a sense of danger and keeps people interested. Mind you, this is the point where the Empire is at its strongest ever since the Nemesis War.
I like where the plot itself is going.

Sorry for making you read through a wall of text, I don’t think it’s a good or a bad script, so I can’t really vote in the poll…


Yey, bandits.
Don’t try to make it long. Make Loog be already promoted (like Sigurd) and make the story revolve about the war without any distractions.
Make character introductions into optional talk commands
Keep it breif and focus on the war and love aspect of the story. Don’t try to add too much.

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First of all, thanks you for reading.
Now, about all the points you mentioned:

-Problem 1: You’re right, I should show more of the character’s personalities. At the beginning, my idea was to introduce first the situation and then slowly develop the characters. After your point, I think I’m going to think of a personality for each character rewrite that part.
-Problem 2: Nothing to say, I was trying to be generic as I didn’t want to write a 3 pages-long dialogue. But it looks like it doesn’t work.
-Problem 3:
1.As I said, I machine-translated it, so I understand that there are mistakes and I will fix them as soon as I can.
2.I have to recognise that I hadn’t any ideas so I took the name from awakening’s character, I was thinking on leaving it as a reference, but I’ll search for other names just in case.
-Good thing 1: Actually, I think that the best way to skip an introduction is just pressing “start”, so I’m not sure if this is actually relevant. But I’ll try to say more with less words.
-Good thing 2: Thanks, I was thinking on a way to justify that Loog didn’t wanted to stay on the empire so Why not?

Anyways, thanks for reading, I appreciate it so much.

and sorry about replying lae, I was bussy


Good point

You see, everyone that will play the hack has an idea about who Loog was. We know he was a valiant hero that fought for independence from the Empire. Read everything from 3H that connects to him and you already have the story written.

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The only problem is that a friend has my 3H, so I ahve to wait untill he returnit for the major events

You can read all the supports on Serenes I think.

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UPDATE: Prologue part 2 have been released
I have edited the first post, but I leave the link here too…
(Revised) Prologue part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tBm_YgAdMHtuIRphKXAasaLO1rOZo-W6mLgIJZiBWrM/edit?usp=sharing
Prologue part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZrzxE3gTvqiE02TkP78JA3uyC8qlNEZxo5KB7DS6MMI/edit?usp=sharing
And as an extra I leave the original text in spanish… just in case you want to look at it: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HvPnlIdLBZ4Fwkhqti-w9OM0v7wBNL6A8fPclaCXyXQ/edit?usp=sharing

As allways, Feedback is welcome.

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Update: Opening Sequence has been released
As some of you said that there was a lack of context, I’ve written this to solve that problem.

-Read it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1A9val8wtIenFlHWc9kjtDI6saumwOoZl8IMXTNO3iCQ/edit?usp=sharing

As always, feedback is welcome

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Regarding your revised version of the Prologue part 1:

  • Loog’s first line after the soldier warns him, do you think it would be a good idea if Loog was to address the soldier with a minimal “I see. Thank you”, or something like that first? Maybe that’s just me, and in the military world such curt exchanges are the norm, so take it with a grain of salt. I’m one of the people who love lots of dialogue in Fire Emblem;

  • Pan: “Are you sure what is a good idea?” -> you have a typo here;

  • “There are only three of us, despite the fact that Fraldarius can contribute troops, I see a large-scale raid difficult.” -> I think this sentence could work well enough in Spanish, however I think in English it would sound better like this, “even if Fraldarius were to contribute troops”;

  • “They’re just bandits, but we can’t overconfidence…” -> we can’t overconfidence I think is syntactically incorrect. Maybe “but we can’t be over-confident” or “but we mustn’t let our guard down” or something along those lines would be a good replacement;

  • “If we can reach that fort, I am sure that we will be able to receive support, and finally take its base.” -> This sentence is maybe a little confusing for me. What is “and finally take its base” referring to?;

  • “Understood. Let’s finish quickly, there is something in this valley that does not convey confidence to me” -> I think the problem here is the term “confidence”. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard it used in this context;

  • “Nor is it how they can beat me …” -> While the sentence with tampoco might work in Spanish, in English it doesn’t really work. I think you should change it to something like “It’s not like they can beat me”;

  • “Come on dumbasses, attack, maybe you’re going to let me those stupid guys kick you out of your territory!Suffer the wrath of Gaarkon!” -> I can understan inùtiles in Spanish, but dumbasses? Isn’t it a little much? Also, what do you mean by Loog, Pan, and Frederick potentially kicking them out of the territory?;

  • “Because of Nemesis’s fury…” -> I understand where you’re coming from with “Por la furia de”, but translating it literally with “because” is incorrect. The exclamation you’re looking for is something like “By Nemesis’ fury”;

  • “wasn’t there anyone else an idiot to assign me?” -> Do you think something like “Couldn’t they have assigned me to someone less idiotic?” would convey the feeling a little better?;

  • “-Kryphon: Is everything okay?”
    “-Unit that visits: I’m afraid there are too many. We need reinforcements.”
    “-Kryphon: I can’t afford to send my officers, but I think I can do without a couple of soldiers.” -> maybe “to send any of my officers” would read better. Overall, do you feel adding a line or two would improve this exchange? It sounds a little bit curt to me;

  • Garkon (This is the “Death Quote”): -> About this, did he not have a generic boss quote? Do you think having individual quotes for each three of the characters would work? Feel free to ignore this last question if you want, it’s just a personal bias of mine😅.

  • “No-nno it’s impossible, a little prince can’t- (dies)” -> When writing stuttering dialogue for the word “no”, it’s usually written like “n-no or n-n-no”. If it were a longer word, repeating the first two letters would be okay, but “no-nno” doesn’t read too well;

  • -Loog: I don’t like this, that wizard was dressed as a noble from the south …

-Pan: Indeed Loog, that man wore the emblem of the Imperial house in their clothes, I have no doubt that something is happening here.

-Kryphon: It seems to me that we will not take long to find out what …

Who are Loog, Pan and Kryphon? I mean, are they a prince and his knights? How did they not notice the hoodie wearing clothes of a noble from the south? Did they just decide to kill him anyway, or did they notice after? Something about this exchange doesn’t sit well with me right now…;

  • “Marquis of Vesta, like Hubert is sinister” -> What do you mean by this?

Overall I feel like the dialogue could use a few more lines to make it sound more natural, but I think that if your objective is to have short cutscenes you’re on the right path.
If you’d like, I can get around to doing the later parts too.

Anyway, hope you found this useful! I had fun doing it. I haven’t had to do with the Spanish language in a while, and by critiquing your script, I had the opportunity to learn a new meaning for the verb “confiar”, as well as learn about the stuttering rules by googling them.:grinning:

I wish you the best of luck with your project!

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First of all, thanks for reading and giving your feedback.

Now, about what you said:

-I’m going to fix any problems with the english translation, If you find any other, please tell me so I can correct them too.

-You are also true about I give only a little info about who is who, so I’ll add it on the next release.

Do you mean giving your feedback about later chapters? It that’s the case, of course, I want to get as much feedback as I’m able to. Also, I’m glad you had fun reading the chapter.

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Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Also, I noticed that you have a part 2 for your prologue. That’s such a cool idea! I also have a vague Fire Emblem story in mind, and I have been thinking recently about having the prologue be split into multiple parts in which I introduce the main character and their childhood, so that when I get to Chapter 1, the story can begin with them and their friends grown up.

If you decide to keep this multiple-part prologue idea in the final product, I’ll be very curious to see how it ends up being. I think the only other time I ever saw a long prologue was with Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon.

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It’s not the first hack with more than a prologue, and I think it’s better in this case, just to show why Loog wants to get out of the empire

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The “Dumbasses” part is totally my bad. Sorry, I got carried away :sweat_smile:

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By the way, I was reading part 2 and I spotted some improvements that could be made:

-Kryphon: Pan, what are you doing ?! What do you want us to be killed ?!

“Pan, what are you doing?! Are you trying to get us killed?!” would carry the message better.

Magnus: We must surrender before they destroy tod-

Google translate cannot translate interrupted sentences, so here it looks like Magnus took too many Duolingo lessons…
Just change “destroy todo” to “destroy every–”

-Kryphon: No, we must resist, it is only a matter of time before your energy runs out and stops being able to control the beasts …

*Before his energy runs out.
Also, if Lambert loses control of the demonic beasts, wouldn’t it be a bad thing? They could escape and kill civilians, for example. Even if that wasn’t the case, you would stil have to deal with the beasts, because demonic beasts attack anything in sight.
I would suggest changing “control the beasts” to “summon the beasts”.

Frederick, would it be unreasonable if we could get hold of any of the relics of the heroes? I am sure they would be very useful …

The english version of FE3H uses “Heroes’ Relics”.

I see it impossible, since the Emperor of Adrestia is the only human being who is known to have an emblem. Although I do not rule out that the Church allows us to use the blessed weapons…

The english version uses “Crest” instead of Emblem.
Also, I think “I see it impossible” is a bit weird in english and could be changed to “I do not see that happening anytime soon. The Emperor of Adrestia(…)”

That’s it for now. Good luck!


Maybe make him being manipulated by [insert whatever name Serios is using at this point]?

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