Hi, I read the script and I don’t think it’s bad, but it definitely needs some improvement.
Please take the following criticism with a grain of salt, since I’m not trying to mock the project.
Problem number 1: The characters.
So we know the story is a prequel to FE3H, but that doesn’t give us much insight about the characters’ personalities.
In fact, we get to know nothing (And I mean, literally nothing) about the main characters when, suddenly, b a n d i t s.
And, along the fight itself, we don’t get to learn anything at all either about the characters because they all react the same way. Don’t get me wrong, several FE games are guilty of this too. For example, The Binding Blade throws you right into the chapter with very little displays of personality from the units. However I feel like that should be avoided.
Three Houses did this right by having a tiny bit of dialogue before the battle that reveals what is going through everyone’s head. Claude was luring the enemy away from the party
or maybe just running away, Dimitri was following him to make sure he is safe and protect everyone, and Edelgard was calmly observing the situation while secretly plotting to murder everyone. This is important because it lets you flesh out your characters a bit.
Problem number 2: The dialogues.
-Soldier: Bandits spotted.
-Loog: Pan, Frederick, prepare your weapons.
-Frederick: It will be done sir. P L A Y E R P H A S E
Okay, I might be oversimplifying this a little but what I’m trying to say here is that this dialogue tells us nothing about the characters. If you want to be concise, you will need the few words you use to be as meaningful as possible.
Problema número 3: La gramática.
As a spanish speaker whose hack had a lot of grammar errors, I perfectly understand some of the mistakes. I’d like to suggest some fixes:
1- “Inútiles” doesn’t translate exactly to english as a single word in most contexts. You should change “Come on useless, attack” to “Come on, you useless people, attack” or “dumbasses” .
2- Some of the names can be confusing. Like I said, If I didn’t know that this was a 3H prequel, I’d think the game takes place in Ylisse with names like Frederick. Of course, it’s totally fine if you don’t change it, it’s just a suggestion.
Now the good things about the script:
1- The pacing.
I don’t really agree with this, but some people really like skipping over introductions and going straight to the gameplay. The short nature of the script allows the player to start playing immediately without sitting through dialogue. If you can keep the introductions short while also giving more meaning to the lines, I think you’ll do fine.
2- The stakes.
Just after the first chapter, you are already a wanted man in the empire, which creates a sense of danger and keeps people interested. Mind you, this is the point where the Empire is at its strongest ever since the Nemesis War.
I like where the plot itself is going.
Sorry for making you read through a wall of text, I don’t think it’s a good or a bad script, so I can’t really vote in the poll…